“I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.”

 

-The Bene Gesserit litany against fear

 Dune, by Frank Herbert

 

One way to interpret certain aspects of Zen Buddhism is to see it as a practice of accepting the unacceptable.  This does not mean becoming happy about the worlds myriad unpleasantries but rather acknowledging their existence with an open hand and not a closed fist.  Have you ever tried to throw something away with your fist closed around it?  It’s very difficult.  Instead, open your hand and really look at what you are holding onto.  What does it look like?  What does it feel like? Is this thing useful in the moment?  If not then it is much easier to discard if your hand is open. 

 

Each of us has many experiences each day that we don’t like but are simply unwilling to open our hands and let go of.  Perhaps it’s a person in traffic that wronged us.  Perhaps it’s a roommate who does not empty the dish washer.  Perhaps it’s a political figure who acts differently then we would like.  That thing we do not accept, but yet hold on to because we just know we are right, is the point at which we need to practice.  My point of practice for a while now has been fear of new things.

 

As a person with Multiple Chemical Sensitivity Syndrome (MCS) having MCS reactions has caused an amazing amount of hardship and loss over the years.  During the first five years of having MCS I dropped out of collage and worked several minimum wage jobs.  During this time I did not have the mental recourses to focus on anything that was not either: absolutely necessary for daily life or that was needed for recovery.  As a result I became removed from many things I used to enjoy and isolated from entire groups of people I once knew. 

 

It seemed at times that everything I once loved had fallen away and I was left with just my self and ill health.  Even as things improved there was more then one time than the unexpected arrival of an MCS trigger caused the loss of people, living spaces, and possessions.  Several times I experienced occurrences that made me feel as if my world had let me slip through the cracks, leaving me dropped into an abyss that I did not have the recourses to escape.  Years of having MCS cause great trauma to my life has taught me to be afraid of the new and unexpected.

 

Over the last four years I have not lost any major possessions due to MCS.  I have not lost any relationships, nor have I been forced to change jobs or to change apartments.  During this time I have gained much.  I now have a closet full of cloths I enjoy wearing; I have purchased a truck, and have developed several close relationships.  I have taken great vacations, started new jobs and lived with a wonderful woman.  Despite all of this I still find myself dealing with the deep fear of the new and unexpected (from an MCS perspective) on a daily basis. 

 

The fear that perhaps, five to six years ago, was a useful tool for arranging my environment can now often be a hindrance to progress.  I have developed strategies for arranging my environment.  I have strategies in place for dealing with unexpected MCS triggers.  I even have strategies for dealing with MCS reactions once they arrive.  The unexpected will always be there, I am now confidant that I know how to deal with it.  But yet the fear remains.  A part of me is attached to the fear and does not want to let go.

 

The greatest MCS challenge I face today is distinguishing between what is something I should be truly cautious about and what is simply a fear reaction.  Is my present reaction something that is letting me know to be cautious or is it an old and no longer useful fear of being again dropped into the abyss?  The real question I have to ask myself is “Is it fear or is it useful action?”  Since this is my point of practice the only way to know is to hold the fear with an open hand and see if it is useful in the moment.  Oddly even writing this causes me to feel a strong compulsion to look away.  Just looking at the fear causes anxiety to rise. 

 

A case in point is the belt I am wearing right now.  This belt is old and starting to show more wear then is appropriate for a professional environment.  A few months back I bought a belt and tried it out.  Wearing it caused me to have a MCS reaction.  Not a bad one but enough that I did not want to feel this way at work.  I went to a couple of thrift stores and purchased a few more belts.  After handling them I discarded a couple of them.  The one I felt has the best chance of working I have hung up in the cab of my truck.  Although being next to it has not caused me a reaction the fear of trying new things has taken grip and I have not tried it out.  This belt has been hanging on the cloths hook in my truck for at least a month and I have been unwilling to try it out for even a short while.  There is no logical reason for me not to put the belt on for a few hours but yet I find my self unwilling to do so.  My girlfriend often jokes that the only way I am willing to try something new is when the old one suffers catastrophic failure.

 

What is the absolutely worst scenario that could happen if I put the belt on?  Some chemical could infect my work slacks to such a point that I could not wear them…  I would cause such a bad MCS reaction that I make several mistakes at work…  Putting the old belt back on would cause it to become infected with chemicals from the new belt… Chemicals from the belt would get on my work shirt and cause that to be unwearable… I would feel like crud for up to one to two days… 

 

So let’s say the worst scenario happens.  I have more then one pair of work slacks that I can wear.  I can always get more belts to try out.  I can always triple and quadruple check my work for the day, minimizing any mistakes that will happen and I will not get fired over one bad day.  I have more then one work shirt and I can wash it in a way that will almost certainly get any MCS triggers out of the material.  I have ways of taking a shower that can minimize a MSC exposure once it has occurred.  Also one to two days of feeling bad is nothing compared to five to seven years that I felt bad in the past.

 

The absolute worst case scenario is really not all that bad.  Yet I still feel anxiety at the thought of trying the belt out. Hhmmm…  What does that Anxiety feel like?  It is showing up as tightness in my chest and back.  It makes me want to turn away and to run a from the cause of the anxiety.  It makes me want to stop writing about the cause of the anxiety.  I find my self getting distracted as I try to focus on exactly what the anxiety feels like.  But yet it is still just a sensation.  There is no immediate threat, there is no immediate danger.  It only feels as if there is.

 

All of this and I still find myself unwilling to let go and discard the fear of trying out a new article of clothing.  This is why it is called the ‘Point of Practice’; it is that place where I need to keep coming to and move beyond.  I need to practice letting go of the fear and trying new items even though I am afraid to do so.

…Skip forward twenty-four hours.  I am trying the belt out at work for the day.  It seems to be causing me a mild MCS reaction but it is really not all that bad.  I’m not sure I’d be willing to wear this particular belt for the long term but it seems ok for today.  Wearing it has given me some ideas of what to look for in a belt when I buy another one this coming weekend.  I have lost little and I have gained experience from trying it out.  Perhaps next time it will not take me a month to try on the next belt.