In the spring my 21^st year I was in my term at an academically intensive privet college.  I had been getting good grades in upper level classes; I had a girlfriend, and a cure for social anxiety.  All of this changed seemingly overnight. 

 

I found cognitive tasks that were easy for me only a few weeks before had become exceedingly challenging.  I dropped out of two of my classes after failing the first exams.  In history 101, a class that should have been easy, I found myself struggling to get a D.  Once where I possessed clarity, I could now only find fog.  It was as if any thought that formed was quickly lost in a whirlwind before it could reach its destination. 

 

Not only was my thinking impaired but my vision was different also. The world looked like it was playing on a VHS tape that had been recorded over too many times.  Everything appeared grainy.  No matter how much I focused the details of what I was focusing on seemed to drop away.

 

Among other things my sense of direction seemed to also disappear.  I always had a firm map in my head; I knew where I was and where the things around me were.  I could wonder off anywhere and never dread for finding my way back.   Suddenly I would get lost in places I had known my whole life. Going in to any building that had more then one floor caused me to fear for my ability to find my way back out.  It was as if the world out side of my immediate field of vision has simply vanished.

 

For the first few weeks I didn't worry much.  I thought everything would get better.  I believed that a month from then I would look back on that time as a simple curiosity.  But as time passed things did not get better.  Six weeks went by and there was no improvement.  I had seen pictures of chronic alcoholics with 'wet brain', dead tissue showing up on a MRI as dark spots where healthy gray should be.  I imagined my own brain looking like this.  It was time to see the doctor. 

 

On the next break from college I saw several specialists and had a lot of tests run.  I had my blood drawn, every thing normal.  A complete physical only showed I was enjoying above average health.  The eye exam displayed 20/20 vision.  The EEG was fine.  Even the MRI I so feared showed a totally healthy brain.  What was going on?  I felt far from normal but all the experts kept saying I was the picture of physical health.  

 

If physical health was not the problem then it must have been mental.  I wanted this gone so I could get on with my life.  Time to go see a psychiatrist.  After only one visit she diagnosed me with depression.  I felt so relieved.  There was an answer after all.  A couple of months on the antidepressants and I did not feel better, in fact if anything I felt considerably worse.  Try again; change the dosage, no luck this time either.  The psychiatrist changed the medication.  The new antidepressant was even worse.  OMFG, this had to work, let's try again.  A third antidepressant was a total bust.  Despair. 

 

A year and a half after it all started I had dropped out of collage, lost the girlfriend, and was making pizzas for minimum wage.  I had been declared healthy by the so called experts and I knew depression was not my problem.  The drinking had not gone away during this period, but it had lessened considerably.  After exhausting all the avenues for getting better that I knew of at the time, desperation began to set in.  So did a renewed love for the consumption alcohol.  I figured if I was to be without hope I might as well be drunk.