Where to go from here -

 

I have only dated, well seriously dated for long periods of time, women that I am not all that attracted to.  This has come up for me big in the last couple of months. Don’t get me wrong, I usually date women who are quite attractive. It’s just that other people find them more attractive then I do.  Looking back on my relationship history, if I am having a great time being intimate with a particular women and actually enjoy being with her in a wide range of situations then I have without fail found a reason to break up with her in under three months.  The truth is that this has been a fantastic defense mechanism.  If the ones I do go out with for a longer period of time ever reject me sexually, romantically, affectionately there is not really any pain in it for me.  I get to remain aloof and in control.  Of course this means that I chronically reject them sexually, romantically and affectionately in exactly the same way I am afraid they will reject me.  In my quest for avoiding pain I have inflicted a vast amount of suffering on exactly those women I care most for.  One way or the other I will reject them long before they have a chance to reject me.

 

As I have talked about before, all of this stuff goes back to my relationship with my mom.  She was aloof, distant, overly rational, and almost incapable of giving heartfelt affection.  This left my sister and I starved for affection as small children.  When a baby wants to be loved and there is none, it starves the soul.  For myself it inflicted a wound that is still in the process of healing to this day.  This has left me with a lifetime of relationships that I have never really invested in.  Why would I want to go through that again if I can just reject the other person first.

 

One side effect of this pain is that it has left me with a deep programming that I have been unworthy of getting love, in all its forms, from those that I actually want to share it with the most. I have been convinced that I can’t find love from those I would want it from.  If I do get it I’ll just make them go away anyway.  That leaves me with having relationships with women I don’t really like half as well as they like me.  The question is, how do I change all of this.  I went to counseling for years to assist me with digging up old pain and seeing where some of my present challenges have come from.  Of course knowing where a pain originated is be an important part of the process but if I don’t live my life in a more conscious way, the way I really want to live it, have I in truth done anything? 

 

So what am I going to do about it?  That answer is partly what all of this is about, not feeling trapped.  I’m going to learn how to attract, date and create relationships with women I find sexually, spiritually and intellectually attractive. Exactly what these relationships may look like will depend on who the other person is and who I am at the moment. 

 

At first I’m looking to develop a skill set that will allow me to talk to, build attraction with, create comfort with, and become physically intimate with the women I find most interesting.  Developing this skill set will allow me the benefit of having choice in who I cultivate relationships with.  If I have choice and enjoy the company of a wide range of women I will also create a very good idea of what I actually want my primary relationship to look like in a realistic way.

 

How do I overcome my dysfunctional emotional programming?  The answer is to build skill set through study and practice.  There is massive amounts of material out there on the subject of attraction and dating.**  Building this skill set creates options and options are always good.  If one woman rejects me then who cares.  I have other places to be and other women to talk to.  This has a twofold benefit.  First, if I have other options then why should I really care if one option is not available.  If McDonalds is closed I can still eat at Berger King.  No need to go hungry.  Secondly , options create confidence, if I don’t flinch at all when a women says or does something that she thinks I may react to negativity then I have passed a test.  If a women rejects me in some small way and I don’t react to it then I will appear more dominate and in control.  This will make me feel safe to her and increase her attraction level.  Of course no one should put up with outright bad behavior from anyone but a little ‘shit test’ now and again will be inevitable.  If fact I have come to see a woman being challenging to me as an indicator of her interest in me.

 

Getting options and not being trapped by Multiple Chemical Sensitivity Syndrome (MCS), nor my childhood programming, is really what the journey I have embarked on is all about.

 

**There are many people out there who’s full time job is to teach others how to attract intimate partners.  If you are looking to attract women see the teachings of:  David DeAngelo, Mystery, Neil Strauss (Style), Pick-Up 101 and Real Social Dynamics to mention only a few.  If you a looking to attract a man see:  …  In our modern society there is information on any possible subject.  Information taught by those who have already achieved high levels of success in the areas you may be interested in.  In the end achieving anything only takes belief that it is possible and the desire to see the result of your activity.  Saying I can’t or I don’t know is only an excuse to stay stuck.