In the later part of 2004 I, was starting to feel pretty good most of the time, I had a new job, things were looking up.  I discovered a new understanding of human relations and with this new job I had ample opportunity to practice interacting with new an interesting people on a daily basis.  One of these people was Amy, an office manager at one of my accounts.  We quickly discovered we enjoyed each other company and went out a few times.  In a short time we started dating and spending a fair portion of our free moments together. 

 

As far as Multiple Chemical Sensitivity Syndrome (MCS) is concerned I was very thankful to discover that where she lived did not present me with any MCS triggers.  She did not wear perfume, did she use any strong hair products nor smelly dryer sheets.   She would not be disqualified for MCS reasons. 

 

An inevitable question arises at this point.  Should I tell her upfront about MCS or should I wait until she is invested in the interaction?  Tell too soon and a potential partner can be scared off, wait too long and I run the risk of being dishonest.  Since MCS is simply not something that can be hidden from those most close to me, it will inevitably come up at some point in time anyway.   Better it be a time of my choosing then when I am in the middle of a bad reaction at an inconvenient time.  So when is this time?  The answer I have found is fairly straight forward.  Right before it will most likely come up all on its own.  This time is usually after a few dates when I have spent time in her environment, she has spent time in mine.  When I do tell a potential partner about living with MCS I do not give them a long winded tale of woe.  I talk about what MCS is, how it affects me, and what I do about it.  I will keep it short, simple, and to the point.  If this person sticks around there will be plenty of time to talk about MCS further.

 

Amy looked as if she would be sticking around.  After dating about six or so months we began talking about moving in with each other.  This scared the hell out of me at the time.  The thought of losing control over where I lived was not a happy thought.  Each time she brought something new into the apartment it would have to pass the MCS test.  I was scared not only of having something brought into my environment I was afraid also of rejecting it.  If my MCS caused her to not have the objects she desired in the apartment would she eventually get tired of this and therefore get tired of me?  The first few years of living together, I lived in constant fear of her leaving due to my MCS.  How could anyone, by default, choose to live with MCS as their master as it was mine?  Now I had two people living under the tyrant of MCS not just one.  To my amazement she loved me more then she loved the stuff she wanted to bring into our shared living space.  In the end all she really wanted was for me to try new things and find alternatives for the things that didn’t work out. 

 

Amy has often forced me to try new things, and is an absolute genius at finding things that might work for me.  She is a big portion of the reason my wardrobe is as stylish and MCS trigger free as it has become.  When I am just being resistant and scared to try something new she will often help me over this hump.  This assistance will often manifest in the form of a fight but I am always grateful to find something new that I can use.

 

A good question to ask at this point is; how did we work out the Chemical Sensitivity issues?  Well, I knew what I needed and was firm, she also knew what she wanted and was firm as well.  In other words we both brought our true selves to the table and trusted that whatever fight may erupt our caring for each other would be stronger then the temporary clashing of personalities (although in the moment I was at times afraid that this was not always going to be the case).  We both brought our true selves to the table and held nothing back.  There was no hidden agenda.  It was raw, real and often volatile.  I think this is the only reason we made it work.  Eventually there was nothing that stayed in the apartment that effected me and eventually she got what she needed in the way of new stuff.

 

Over the years we have acquired furniture, TVs, book shelves, an entertainment center, computers, a truck and much more.  There were a few notable failures that caused a lot of trouble while they were being sorted out, but on the whole there were more successes then I would have expected before I lived with her.  I was living not only with my best friend but I had material abundance I had not known since before MCS started for me.  In many ways the last six years have been extremely good for me.

 

After several years the job I had loved so much changed, and so had I.  Where I used to look forward to going into work each day, I was at the end dreading it.  It was time for a change.  We had saved up some money, I quit my job, and we shipped my motorcycle off to Europe for a nine week trip.  This is a change I don’t believe I would have been able to make had Amy not been in my life believing in me.  Not only did I have to have faith that the trip would not be an MCS disaster, I needed faith that I would get a better job upon returning to Seattle.

 

We rode my 1993 Honda Nighthawk through nine countries:  Germany, the Netherlands, Austria, Italy, Greece, France, Monaco, Spain, England and Canada (where we shipped the bike out of and into).  During this time there were several small MCS reactions but nothing major.  The trip was virtually MCS free.  Something I could have barely imagined only a few years before.  This trip gave me faith that I could handle just about anything.  Perhaps I could begin to relax that the worst of it was finally over.

 

I came back and took about six weeks off before I started to look for a job.  After a while being unemployed became not only a financial burden but also started to get a little boring.  It was time to go back to work.  The two jobs I wanted most were to sell cars with a higher end dealership or to sell mattresses with a big retailer.   Both of these jobs would present an opportunity to make good money and further develop my sales skill that I had began with my last job.  Only about a week after updating my resume I was offered jobs at both a Honda Dealership and at Sleep Country.  I had to choose and I chose to sell cars.  I was good at selling cars.  As a new salesman I made a lot of money but I soon discovered that I hated just about every minute of it.  I was miserable and Amy said that I was miserable to be around.  After only seven weeks I quit.  Only a week later I found my present job selling educational software.  A job I have enjoyed for the last two years now. 

 

As with all human relationships there are good points and bad.  For me she is my best friend and my favorite adventure buddy.  She has assisted me in overcoming a great deal of the fear that MCS has generated in my life over the last twenty years.  Amy is fiercely loyal and very much in love with me.  She is also very needy and demands more of my attention then I am often willing to give.  This creates a feedback loop that makes me want to give her less attention which makes her want more.  Often if there is something that I find myself wanting to do that takes some of my time and attention I always feel like I am having to fight with her over where I put my focus.   If I’m not focused on her there is always a struggle.  Not being able to freely spotlight my own passions, nor her fully finding her own, has left me a difficulty finding passion for her.  This dynamic has left certain important aspects of the relationship extremely flat.  In many ways this has been a great relationship that has propelled me forward.  In some other ways it has held me back from achieving many of my dreams.  Without a doubt the balance has been in the positive.

 

Where does this leave us?  In about three weeks as of the writing of this post she will be moving to Hawaii to go to college.  At that time we will still be friends but the relationship aspect will be over.  Somehow we have managed to make it work for some time now but soon it will be over.  I will miss her. 

 

For the first time in over six years I will be single.  This prospect brings about all the emotions one would expect:  fear, excitement, anticipation, sadness and more.  Where I go from here is what the next post is about.