I had discovered a strategy that seemed to be paying off.  Almost three years after it all began I was starting to feel better.  I was convinced that I had found the answer to getting well again.  Over the next couple of years I dove into the work of recovery.  I would clean up my psyche, nourish my spirit, and cleanse my body.  I had not only the lash of my daily experience of being sick but I had also found a carrot in a possible way to get better.  The carrot and the stick drove me hard; I was determined to pursue the answer.

 

I found a councilor.  We talked about my childhood.  I screamed into pillows.  I grabbed a bat and beat on a punching bag.  We discovered things about my relationship with my parents that had held me back.  This was great; I was feeling better all the time.  A bunch of old stuff was being cleared out of my psyche.  Surely this was going to be a big part of the answer.

 

Of all the spiritual concepts I had studied it was Zen Buddhism that resonated best with me.   Not really knowing where I might find a group to teach me, I looked up Zen Buddhism in the phone book.  There was only one entry and it was within walking distance of my apartment.  Two to three times a week I would make the walk and practice Zen Meditation.  I went on Zen retreats.  I continued to read books on the subject.  I found others who seamed to have something to say and I learned what they had to teach.  I continued to fell better; surely this was also a huge part of recovery. 

 

While flipping through the channels one day I saw a small blurb about a book called, "The Yeast Connection".  The symptoms associated with having too much yeast in your system sounded like me.  The next day I ran down to the local bookstore and read the back cover and bought the book. I began to follow the anti-yeast diet.  A few weeks later I ran across a book called, "The Miracle of Fasting".  It promised to clean out my system of all toxins that had accumulated over the years.  Since I had poisoned my self with alcohol this would surely help.  Over the next year I became vegan, I tried to eat organic as much as possible, and I fasted.  Each month I would go on a 24 to 36 hour fast to clean my self out.  Twice in that year I fasted for 7 days.  Each month I would notice an improvement over the month before.  I believed I was on the road to putting the way I had felt behind me.  Rebuilding my body with healthy ingredients was surely a part of the way to recovery. 

 

At the end of that year I looked like a different person.  I had lost 45lbs.  My skin was clear and bright.  My cholesterol was a low 95 despite the fact that I ate french fries three times a week.  Physically I was the picture of wellbeing.  Everything I encountered in the organic health community pointed to the wisdom of what I was doing.  If I had enough faith, practiced harder, cleared out the blockages from my psyche, and ate healthy there was no malady that could not be overcome.  I had become a poster child for new age health.  

 

Things got better, but began to plateau at the end of the first year.  I felt better then I had in a long time but I was still nowhere near what I remembered was possible.  I had found something that had shown results.  I redoubled my efforts and lasted on this path for another year, but no matter how hard I worked full recovery was out of reach.  My brain was clearing up but only to a point.  My body shined but there was still a deadness behind my eyes that I could not bring back to life.

 

If I could make it this far back to thriving again then I could make it further.  I had discovered things that had worked and now it was just a matter of finding what else was out there.