I have made a conscious effort to write this blog about what goes right in recovery not the things that do occasionally go wrong.  Those of us with Multiple Chemical Sensitivity (MCS) are all very aware of the down side of living with MCS.  It is also very easy is to get stuck in a negative mind set about our circumstances.  I have to keep in mind that my life is better.  Even the down times of today are great compared to how I felt ten years ago.  I write this to help people draw strength from my experience, not so that we can commiserate.  Don’t get me wrong; sympathy, nurturing and handholding are at times very important on anyone’s journey, but drawing too much on the empathy of our fellows can lead to a trap.  We can remain stuck because of their attention.

 

The point of any healing journey is to… well… heal.  We will again contribute to life.  Often what we go through on our way to healing will give us much more to contribute when we reach a point where giving back is possible.  But what if being sick brings us things that feel good?  Being sick often gives us, the attention of those who want us to get better.  When other people focus upon us it can be seductive.  If I get better then the attention will stop, and no one wants things that feel good to stop.  This sympathy can come from, friends, family members and support groups.  I have heard people say, “But I couldn’t possible leave my (insert attention source here)” often with the phrase “they Need ME!” attached to it.  But all too often it is us who needs them.  The problem is that we have to leave, in at least some capacity, when we get better.  This can make, perhaps on an unconscious level, staying stuck somewhat tempting.   This may mean that we will have to go from being in a support group to leading one.  Don’t hesitate to take this step.  Things will change as we do. 

 

Remember that velvet lined bars can still make a cage.  I write this to keep us focused on picking the lock or stealing the key, not to make the cage more comfortable.  If the person in the cage next to mine escaped in the night would I feel abandoned or would I look for clues as to how they did it?  This blog is here to assist in finding the clues that can facilitate our own escape.

 

With all of that in mind what I write in this entry and the next few posts is intended to be a description of an escape in progress…

 

Things have gone to crap lately.  It has been my worst fear that everything would fall apart at the same time Amy moved out.  Well my worst fears has come true.  From a MCS point of view it could not get much worse.  Some dental work has not gone well, my motorcycle helmet has been infected with a MCS trigger, my beading has gotten things in it that are not good for me and my work place has had some changes that have created an environment we where I have had a constant MCS reaction on the job.  There is now nowhere that I am not having a MCS reaction.  Things have been going wrong for several weeks.  I am now having a MCS reaction pretty much 24/7 for the last ten days.  My reserves are wearing thin. 

 

It started about 6 weeks ago when a porcelain crown broke.  What they replaced it with was a different kind of material, one that was not as good.  Thankfully an exact replacement could be manufactured but it would be expensive and it would take a while.  In the mean time I have not felt at full capacity. 

 

I finally got some work done on my motorcycle so that I could ride it.  The next day the water pump on my truck went out.  Of course it’s not just water but antifreeze as well, an incredibly toxic substance.  Water and antifreeze covered the engine of the truck giving me a heck of a MCS shock.  Between the expenses of the tooth and the motorcycle I have not yet had an opportunity to repair this.  Thankfully the weather has been very nice in Seattle the last few weeks.  Riding my motorcycle has been rather pleasant.

 

A few days later Amy and I went to a friend who can weld and had him assist us on doing some welding on her motorcycle.  Metal from the welding process got into my helmet, Amy’s helmet and both of our hair.  We took a shower when we got home but each time we put our helmets on our hair became re-infected with metal from the welding process.  This has created a situation where metal has gotten into the pillows and bedding.  Each morning I wake up feeling terrible from this MCS trigger.

 

About ten days ago someone came by and modified my work space.  What they did has been an absolutely terrible MCS trigger. I have not had anything near full capacity of my mental and social faculties while I have been at work since that event.

 

On top of all this I did something incredibly stupid a few days ago.  I won’t go into what this was exactly but let’s just say it lessened my overall resistance to MCS triggers.  I have been for the last while in the worst place I have been in for about six or seven years.  Each moment is viewing reality threw a fog of MCS.  I am at a terrible low.

 

All of this on top of Amy moving to Hawaii.  I have lost a great friend and a tremendous anchor to calm any MCS freak-outs I may be going through.  To say the least life has been increasingly challenging for a while.

 

The up side to all of this is that I have a plan.  Action on this plan is going to start tonight.  The modifications that were made to my work environment will be undone and sealed in.  Hopefully correcting the previous mistake.  The place I work does not know about this but they don’t have to and will never notice.

 

Tomorrow morning I am getting the not so good tooth taken out and having the better material put back in.  After that I will be doing laundry and putting in a good six to eight hours of house cleaning.  Amy moving out has kicked up a lot of dust and it’s time to clean it all out.  The day after that I will be washing all of the bedding.  I’m waiting until last to do the bedding so that in the cleaning process nothing else can infect the bed after it has been through the laundry.

 

The motorcycle helmet has been largely cleaned, yes I need a new one but it is not in the budget at the moment.  I can always take a shower when I get home at night and clean anything off me in the process.

 

Tonight I spent a lot of time and effort getting ready for the next few days of cleaning.  I also invested in a Heavy Metal Detox kit.  Since many of the MCS triggers have revolved around metal I figured this may be a good idea.

 

As for that stupid thing I did, well I can make damn sure I never do that again.

 

I’ll write again in three days and let you know how it all is going.  God knows I don’t think I can take much more of this.  On side effect of feeling good almost all of the time for the last many years is that when something does happen it seems to hurt worse than it did before.  I can’t really take being ‘three paces back from reality’ most of the time like I once was.  Being cut off from my own brain power and social skills really sucks.

 

Talk to you in a few days…